exhibit a

i’m learning how to turn it on and off. off and on. on. off. switchy. i’m trying. see. i...

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 18:41:58 -0500

i’m learning how to turn it on and off. off and on. on. off. switchy. i’m trying.

see. i known it’s possible for me to care about things. i was doing it before. i was caring a lot. it was nice. it was busy and i was happy. but then it got killed? maybe. hibernating? dormant? it turned off. but i’m figuring out how to turn it back on.

because then i could convince myself of so many things. i could be one of those girls. the ones who just. appreciates something for what it is. and still manage to go about her life as though nothing matters, because it’s entirely separate. a completely different thing. doesn’t touch anything. i want that. i want to compartmentalize everything. from family, to friends, to school, to fun, to maybe even work… everything. in its own little drawer. waiting to be used.

it should be easy for me. i know drawers. i can do compartments. hidden boxes, too. and things hidden in plain sight. it should be simple. it’s not. but it should be. for me, at least.

i had some kind of passion. like… for a second. i really did. i felt like i could do things. because i was that good. i was so good. everything was good. i didn’t care about the stupid shit. it was all fun.

now i just want to kind of. sleep. a lot. but i have 4 days until i’ll feel better. oh you know that was coming. it all comes back to that. always. even the shit that seems to be connected to something else. nope. all comes right back to what is in, when, and how much.

we’ve had weed lately. it’s good… in small binges. can’t live for a week stoned. not anymore. it just doesn’t work. need something else. and after that, i’ll want that other thing. and until i get that, i’ll be miserable. i wish it worked on a more predictable schedule. think i could set up appointments? i bet i could. i bet that would be flattering. i’ll give it a shot sometime. and then, i’m gonna probably want to be stoned for a long time again. it won’t work. like this time. but i’ll do it. and i’ll write this post again. round and round! round and round! smile!

i dyed my hair. it makes me sad. i realized that… afterwards, i realized this. that i liked light hair. dark is so. dark. and black is. very dark. when it was light, it was always okay. even when it was bad, horrible, awful. it was good. i just did not appreciate it. i took advantage. let’s examine the evidence, yeah?

yeah. i know. can’t even see hair. but look. NAKED DOLL.

it was bad. but it was still okay. see?

awww yeah.

i am allyson. i’m a geek goddess. OHHHH! …

take pictures for me! right now! RIGHT NOW! i do not like you anymore.

and now to the current mess:

i’ve been wanting to spread my blackmail collection around the past couple days. destroy something. it would be something on my end, naturally. but something would be destroyed. there would be destruction. it would be something. something more than this. i have lots of things to pass around. and i will. someday. as soon as it’s something more than a childish game at stake. and i swear, it’ll be art.

i have school work to do. i’m trying so hard to get into that shit again. i am slacking… and yes. it’s a fake school for idiots. no. it doesn’t really count. but… it was something to do? and i was good at it for a little while. 4.0 gpa! …. matters so hard, i know. whatever. i liked it. so i need to get cocky again.

fuck this shit.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:21:01 -0500

it is always sad when you build up a tolerance to something.

gorgeous beautiful incredible strange lovely awesome creature,...

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 13:52:28 -0500

gorgeous beautiful incredible strange lovely awesome creature, she is.

for fucking serious.

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 13:51:41 -0500

for fucking serious.

absolutely completely totally amazingly entirely forever...

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 12:46:32 -0500

absolutely completely totally amazingly entirely forever awesome.

oh god yes.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:30:22 -0500

i get to see that gorgeous and disgustingly talented chick in person.
i am fucking psyched.
es pee double e dee helps too.

lamest. halloween. ever.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:29:56 -0400

lamest. halloween. ever.

omgstopit.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:45:20 -0400

stop stealing stuff from movies.
and music.
and tv shows.
and the internet.
and everyone you know.

seriously.

i really hate when i see or hear something and remember you are a loser.

so stop being a fucking loser.

hypergraphia.

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:56:00 -0400

on my dresser, there are a dozen and a half journals. there are more stowed away in the bookcases and boxes. in the back of my current notebook, used for fake college, i have cordoned off a section, scratched “THIS IS PERSONAL” on the manila divider page. and beyond that page, there lies a whole little world of scribbles.

i have no idea if it counts as hypergraphia. i just really like the word. it seems magical. i write. no. i scribble. i bring the notebook everywhere. this one, the one in the pictures, is new. the old one, it was blue. and it’s full now. this one is green.

there are highlights. things that make no sense. some random letters. angry outbursts. sad moments. revelations. but it still makes no sense. and the handwriting. sometimes it tries to change. maybe when i want to make sense. probably not.

i bring this up because last night. after enjoying some smoke. koren and jason looked at me when hypergraphia was mentioned on tv. they laughed. maybe uneasily. awkwardly. considering the pretend doctor on the set was shining a psycholight on the subject. but i laughed too. and i know that it was an uneasy laugh.

now you laugh.

that's a lie, calendar.

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:27:00 -0400

there is so much proof that today doesn’t even exist.

my eyes still being painfully and generally red and deathy, a ridiculous line of offline IMs, phone calls all up and down the night and very little sleep, some more ridiculousness on myspace… school work due. there’s the doom. there is shit due today. if it is thursday, that is. and i am not sure i can bring myself to show my font at school again. or admit that it is thursday. what happened to wednesday?

well. at least i learned something. i’m not allowed to like boys. even if they are sweetheart darlings. who say i’m pretty. and make beer taste good. and are generous, nice, smart, and wonderful with hugs. it’s just time to accept that i am stuck with something else. and that it will never be about me. i just play the crazy like a good girl.

right. so. fake college. sometime before falling into bed surrounded by kids’ toys after sweetheart darling left and walking outside towards the sun and my dad growling “YOU LOOK FUCKED UP”…i wrote and posted my introduction for class. it’s bad. i want to deny that i posted it. apologize…say someone hijacked my shit. but i can’t. so i’m ignoring it instead. and plan on kicking ass with the rest of my writing. it’s the only solution i can think of. maybe my fake classmates will understand that it was good, worth it. and that i’m young. i need to grab fun when i can. even if shit’s due at the same time.

now things go back to real.

get lost in my text

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:06:36 -0400

take that, fake college. i’m the phenomenal.

oh yes.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 14:18:55 -0400

oh yes.

class of 2013, FTW!!

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 11:12:00 -0400

so, whenever i start a new class, i go through the roster to confirm that i’m with the same people…because, see, an “introduction” is always the first assignment. which is POINTLESS when we’ve already introduced ourselves to everyone. i like giving myself reasons to bitch. keeps me going.

anyway. starting a new class. was looking forward to it. until i saw that i have to write a narrative essay about..ready? it’s so cool…BEING IN COLLEGE. fucking brilliant, fake college! brilliant!

got over the genius assignments and went to the….

there was nothing on the first two pages…that i haven’t seen 4 times already. but then, there, at the very bottom of the 3rd page, i won. i won so hard.

he will probably disappear with the “brown, james” from my last class. but…oh, fake college, i am so onto you.

yessss.

i talk too much lately.so i might as well start typing again.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:13:00 -0400

i talk too much lately.
so i might as well start typing again.